Glasses Full, Lenses Empty

We all have a mixture of qualities, aspects of ourselves we like and dislike. The things we’d prefer to change may be very small and, hopefully, do not take up any time or detract from either our pleasure or efficiency; but in quiet moments of reflection or when we’re tired, something may creep into the consciousness, the pearl from that old grain of sand. However, just take one last sip of wine before going to bed and in the morning rested, it has slipped back where it was, somewhere in the basement of our beings, that bed of oysters ignored

Likewise, when we look at other people, we see things we like and dislike, the things that make them attractive and those other things we might prefer would go away. I used to describe it as a table covered with glasses of water. Some glasses are full, others, half full or half empty, others close to empty. We always hope the glasses, the habits and such we don’t like, will get less full and those we like will fill up; but it usually goes the other way, and that annoying set of glasses run over.

Whenever we’re looking at another person, the truth is we are not seeing someone else. We are seeing our view of the world and, in a sense, are looking at ourselves. That is important to accept and to remember even as we’re looking. Not merely “projecting” but more directly as an active application of our values and of our ability to analyze what we see, we are looking with aspects of ourselves which have become the way we interpret the world. The glasses on the table are lenses, but they are also a mirror.

For some people, that’s an intolerable understanding. We may accept that we’re stuck in “a pattern” or are “in part responsible” for the problems with other people. Our analysis of ourselves and the world is like a menu in a Mexican restaurant and we always go for the combo. Easy answer: everything is a combination of factors, and we can substitute that detailed understanding. But the idea that every time we start looking around and see something wrong or something right is actually an opportunity to see what we feel, what we value, what we are; that what we like in others and dislike suggests what we understand and don’t and is not about the people we’re looking at; and that failed relationships are an indicator of something in us that has little if anything to do with those others – well, that’s just not going to work. How can we go through life second guessing…and so we get back to some pit of rationalizations and putting everything out on the world.

If when you drive your car you are continually bumping into things in parking lots or places you have to maneuver closely with obstacles or other vehicles, do you say, “What fools to put so many obstacles and have all these things in places I bump into!” At what point do you get out of the car and look at it and realize it’s a Hummer and say to yourself, I have a big car that doesn’t handle well in tight spaces; and maybe I’m not so good with a big car, and it’s a choice I made to have this car? True madness is to believe the world has it in for you; those obstacles are being placed just for you to bump into.

When we look at people and we see nothing we like, something is wrong with where we are to meet people. We need to go somewhere else. “I went to a bar last night. Everyone was so obnoxious. It was full of drunks.” How odd for a bar. If it’s everywhere or anywhere, something is definitely wrong with how we’re seeing.

However, it’s a mistake to use this insight for purposes of self-hatred. Why the tendency from one extreme to another? At a certain point, it makes sense to say, Well, I’m not this or that, I am the sum of all my parts and habits, and that’s how it is, and now I must work with that knowledge. Instead of trying to get to “good” or “great,” it’s enough to make the sum of what we are something we like, and the things we do, sources of joy. We can be the person that has enjoyment of the world and is pleasant to others, if we simply allow it in how we see it. Oh, and of course actively go about seeing what’s there for us as a large part of our identity.

Statistically, most of us are not going to be in the top percentage of anything, whatever any of that means, by whoever’s standards. Seeking to be great is a delusion. It is the cross of the unexamined life. It is the place the soul goes to die for no reason. In that place, we become attention-seeking zombies with only the will to power, will to pleasure, fear of failure, fear of pain, humiliation, punishment, wholly hollow, beginning with a bang and ending with a whimper.

I know that what I’m writing here is inchoate. I cannot expect it to appeal to anyone and only hope some who read this will find something for themselves in these, my thoughts more for myself. As inelegant as these practice steps may now be, I hope when I walk out today and tomorrow and tomorrow, I will eventually derive a measure of grace from having stretched a bit here.

KLK

12-13-14